Signing My Divorce Papers

I'm finally divorced. I signed the divorce papers, and to everyone around me, it feels like a giant celebration. *queue the confetti

For me, all I can think about when I see his signature on this paper solidifying our divorce is his signature on a marriage license. I remember that day so clearly. We were young, excited, and in San Francisco. In that moment, we felt like forever.

We were about to marry each other, and our entire lives were ahead of us. What's crazy, is even in that moment of intense love, he was still lying to me. In the moments of giving our vows and promising each other forever, he had other women waiting for him back in Tennessee.

With other divorces, people can look back on their wedding and remember they were both in love at that moment but not me. It was a lie from the beginning.

There is no fondness to be remembered. Our wedding was so perfect, and it doesn't matter at all. The memories were fake. Our vows were fake. Our pictures of happiness were fake. To me, the divorce just feels like more loss.

The last time I spoke to Trey was January 2nd. During the final conversation we had, he tried to tell me all those women were lying. He never even had the guts to say anything else. He never admitted anything. He never apologized. He never said anything before the divorce. The closest thing I have had to contact from him since January 2nd is his signature on our divorce papers. It's the only thing showing he still exists out in the world. I can't help but wonder what he's thinking. Was he sad when he signed the papers? Does he even have the ability to feel real emotions at all? I’ll never have the answers to any of those things.

This person that I gave ten years of my life to and had a baby with is just completely gone. It's like he never existed. I'm left alone picking up the broken and jaded pieces of my shattered life. I'll never know normal again. Everyone sees the signing of my divorce papers as an exciting opportunity to start over. For me, it just feels like more loss.

I wish so deeply that he would reach out and just be honest about every single thing. I want closure. I want something besides how I feel now, but there isn't closure. The divorce is the closure, but it still feels so empty. I'll never get to understand why this person who made me feel like he was my soul mate never even loved me at all. I just have to move on and let it go.

I feel so angry when people tell me to let it go. How can I let ten years go? How do you just let go of every memory you made over a decade? thought I would always have him to grieve the death of our child with. Now, I have to spend the rest of my life doing it alone. Now, have to grieve knowing he didn't even love his own child. That meant nothing to him. I mean if she did mean something to him, he wouldn't have put my body at risk the entire time I was pregnant. He wouldn't have left me suicidal in my parents' camper while he was out having sex with random women at bars.

I want to celebrate like everyone else around me, but instead, I just want to scream. I want to punch something. I want to lay in bed and just cry till I can't physically shed another tear. How can something so good for my future be so painful at the same time?

I feel like I'm the one that is being punished for all of this. He gets to be happy with his dream job in our dream apartment near his family, and I get the opposite.